Saturday, June 29, 2019

My Reply

Honey please, please understand when I tell you we love you unconditionally I mean it. I am now and will always be willing to stand by you. I can't and won't give up hope. I dont care if you go through rehab 20 times and fail 19. As long as we keep trying we will always have hope that you will get better. This only hurts us so much because we all know what a wonderful person, daughter, mom and sister you are. If you hadn't tried so hard and worked so much to make a wonderful life for your children they may have already given up on you. But they still have all the incredible memories of life with a fantastic mother. That's why they love and miss you so much. And why none of us will ever give up on you. Unconditional love also means forgiveness. We love you unconditionally and forgive you.  But you have to forgive yourself and for God's sake dont give up. Regardless of anything you've done, none of it over shadows all the love and memories we've had because of you being in our lives. As long as there is hope of getting that back, getting YOU back we will keep doing whatever it takes.

The Inner Struggle

As a parent of an addict,  how would you reply to a message like this? I will share my reply, in my next post. Please don't judge the spelling and grammar, she was writing under the influence.
Much Love.

That's not a good enough excuse for me to disease or no disease my children are my life. and I should be using every ounce of strength I have to fight this disease like a cancer patients at St Jude or something they fight until they have no fight left in them for their families or for their doctors I just let everyone down and I don't try hard enough and I let heroin control every part of me see damage and suffering and PTSD that I gained and was the only thing I was left with as the result of giving working sweating bleeding getting my last inch of my soul to be the perfect wife and mother and then to see it was all for nothin. My children felt neglected and then I thought of them as free babysitters while I ran around and did whatever and cried myself to sleep by the time I missed with them my husband deported my family thinking that I'm I'm incapable of even living life I'm taking care of myself when I used to run everyone's life around me everything I did and all the effort I put in took everything out of me all to make sure the thank God and loved the happy wonderful home and like things looking and for 14 years your life was nothing but the opposite of that I failed I succeeded nowhere I lost everything my children's trust my children's home the glitter their eyes when they looked at me is now replaced with uneasy nervous until and  unsure heartbroken abandoned sad and suffering little eyes all the work and the nights that I stayed up in the sleep that I lost and the time away from my children that was taken from me everything I was did I don't got time in the end I failed and succeeded only in losing the trust respect 100% certainty in the hearts of my children. There is nothing or no one in this world that could take them away from me or keep me away from them replaced with a woman nothing of worthlessness no home no money empty promises Broken Heart finger in herself so strong that if it was something in this world that can be seen perfect pictures I'm suffering torture sinus and a life lived in hell and I brought it all on my own I thought I was a good mother and a good wife obviously my found there too it's almost any kind of good that I thought I was I would have been strong enough to fight this right now I'm so weak I'm so terrified to go to rehab as I promised because I'm terrified to go through that process and once again give babies the house and I'll be better in home soon go through all of that I'm going to get out accidentally betray them or deceive them just book it up again I can't I swear you will kill me to see the pain in their eyes if I was to disappointment again can't do that I'm scared practically paralyzed in fear to cause that's pain in them and see it again In u . I'm terrified I wouldnt be strong enough to make it all right again . I don't trust who is left as me it breaks me and shreds my soul that I ever caused this torture in my kids and after e everything the Pain I've left and cause u . The me before ever could have dreamed the suffering selfish unfair torture the person I was replaced causes every day I could never make this disappear or erease the pain that is the only thing left here or ever apologize enough for any of u to understand how truly and sincerely I regret every last moment of Pain I caused I brought and to this day remains when my only and ever dreamed was to show and prove and honestly be felt my love and pride and the magic I lived and felt and truly blessed was the reason I woke up and the miracle that I received my life my children my true and only best friend I always cherished was u I worked so hard every day so you'll would see feel live and breathe the magic and amazing miracle of life that I felt for All of u and how I felt like my life and the air I breathe sometimes had to be a dream cause the joy and love in my heart was so pure Innocent and perfect all from all of u. I let all of u down.amd.i feel it every day I suffer mostly alone tortured by only the worst of pain and force myself to endure the pain forever til it ends to full fill my deserved punishment for hurting and abandoning you and my precious perfect angels who never in a million years deserved one single second

Drugs Don't Care


Drugs don’t care, whose life it takes.
They don’t care about the child,
Who’s home was torn away.
You may claim it was just a bad mistake.
But, drugs don’t care whose life it takes.

Drugs don’t care if you’re young or old.
If you were out with friends or just being bold.
You may say, it was a one time mistake.
But, drugs don’t care, what life it takes.

Drugs don’t care if you live in a house
Or in a filthy ditch.
Drugs don’t care about which one’s which,
So , before you choose that fatal mistake,
Remember that drugs, Really Don’t Care,
How many lives they take.

June 20, 2019

Scared for My Daughter

I really love and miss u mama and this time I truly want to be clean. Ive. Never been so frozen In fear and terrified to fight and do whatever it takes to protect myself from the person Ive become amd trust that I won't be trapped and kept enslave by me I really want to win but I'm so scared of who I am and what I'll do to keep me from being free because I've been replaced by a monster stronger meaner and fights for dope she don't live for nothing.else and I'm so weak hurt sad and lost shes got more of a chance to win. Cause I have more to lose the. Her and it kills me to have to get back up to try again and she wins. I'm so scared to lose it's all I have I want to win it's so scary it literally makes.. me sick

That's a small part of the conversation I had with my daughter last night. Can someone please tell me what to do?

Angel Among Demons

An Angel among Demons

No more walking in the light,
Lost among the shadows of the night.
A beautiful angel has fallen,
All she can hear is the demons calling.

We all seen her slipping away,
But, nothing we did could make her stay.
She’s out there, lost and alone,
Lord, Please find her and bring her home.

Her life’s ambition’s quickly depleted,
Now she doesn’t care, she’s been defeated.
A lady once on top of the world,
Has now become a sad little girl.

Heroin is the demon’s name,
Because of it, she’s not the same.
Once, she was cheerful and bright,
Now, she’s like a zombie in the night.

A beautiful soul with an Angel face,
Moves among demons without a trace.
Their hold on her is just so great,
May she find her way back,

Before it’s too late!

K.R. Beckerdite
June 17, 2019

Cope with Dope

 Okay so, it's no secret that drugs take a toll, not only on the addict, but on everyone around them. Our family is no exception. Stress and depression, really do physically hurt a person. When I was very young, my aunt and grandma taught my sister and I about meditation. That has helped me get through a lot of tough situations. As a teen, I also got into sports and exercising. But as I get older I often forget about things that helped in the past. Or get so caught up in the current events that I don't make time for me.

 When my son was younger and was dealing with anger issues, I told him to get into sports, and he ran with it. Four years of football, track, and took his school to state championship for power lifting. When I asked him if he could take my grand-kids for a few days, he helped the kids with their anger and frustration. Football drills will make you forget other problems, at least for a little while. My grand-kids would get mad at him, but then beg him to do it again.

 Now, a couple years later I have been inspired by my son and oldest grand-daughter. A local fitness center is running a summer program for teens. My grand-daughter, her name is Modesty, begged my son, his name is Wayne, to take her. And they started going to the gym. Modesty said she feels like she's getting addicted to it. I told her if she had to have an addiction, that's one I could live with. LOL Thursday night after I got off work, I went with them.

 I can definitely see the benefits of working out. However, at my age, my physically demanding job, and constant pain I feel, I don't think that's a good idea for me right now. I still meditate everyday. I would like to know some of the ways other people handle the stress and depression that goes with dealing with a loved ones drug addiction. Much Love

Tuesday, June 25, 2019



They cry in the night but no one hears.
No one comes to calm their fears.
They hurt inside but say not a word,
They are the masses of voices unheard.

Ok so, this may be controversial;
Some may say just leave it alone.
But this time I can’t,
it’s too close to home.

Who will speak up for the children,
Who are scared and alone.
They don’t understand why,
Their Parents are gone.

Yet millions are affected
Each year, month and day.
The price of opiate abuse
They are left to pay.

Why do they choose drugs
Instead of my kisses and hugs.
Will mommy ever get better
And come back to us?

Their little hearts are broken,
Their world torn apart.
With silent unheard voices
They must make a new start.

The families who love them
And take them in.
Give them love and comfort
And try to renew their faith again.

But their fears, pain, anger, mistrust
And broken hearts won’t mend
Until at last, Heroin and Opiate
Addiction comes to an end.


Speaking Out

Hi, I am the mother of a heroin addict. Like many others I tried to keep this a family secret. I felt like I had done something wrong to cause my child to become a drug addict. The truth is, opiate addiction has become a worldwide epidemic.

I used to work in childcare, and noticed several of my students, were being raised by someone other than their parents. Talking to their guardians, I realized they didn't have a problem talking about their situation. I had been raised to believe family issues were to remain private. While I have four other children who are all adults, I didn't want to burden them with some of the things I deal with that they weren't aware of. Such as strangers sending me text messages saying my daughter had overdosed twice that week.

My only outlet was writing. However, recently I joined a group on Facebook. The massive amount of love and emotional support I have received has been incredible. It has also made me more aware of the millions of families that are dealing with this crisis. Like millions of others, I am also raising three of my grand-kids. Through my grand-kids, I'm also  becoming more aware of the children, that are somewhat fending for themselves.

I know the struggle is real. Many older citizens are working more to take care of the children of drug addicts. I am one of them. But the children's safety and well-being should be first priority. I know first hand how hard it can be to take care of them and keep them fed. And while most kids can't or won't speak up about it some are going hungry and running the streets. In the past week I have found out that my 7 year old grand-daughter's best friend is a heroin addicts daughter. My 15 year old grand-daughter asked if we had some food to give to someone who hadn't eaten in a couple days. Turned out she met a 16 year old boy, who was being raised by his grand-father. He said his grand-father drinks and smokes a lot. I of course gave her a plate of the dinner we just had.

I am only one voice, but if more people would speak out on this matter, maybe our government would be more willing to help end this. That's all for now. In my next post I will share a poem I wrote for my grand-kids. Much Love.