Saturday, June 29, 2019

The Inner Struggle

As a parent of an addict,  how would you reply to a message like this? I will share my reply, in my next post. Please don't judge the spelling and grammar, she was writing under the influence.
Much Love.

That's not a good enough excuse for me to disease or no disease my children are my life. and I should be using every ounce of strength I have to fight this disease like a cancer patients at St Jude or something they fight until they have no fight left in them for their families or for their doctors I just let everyone down and I don't try hard enough and I let heroin control every part of me see damage and suffering and PTSD that I gained and was the only thing I was left with as the result of giving working sweating bleeding getting my last inch of my soul to be the perfect wife and mother and then to see it was all for nothin. My children felt neglected and then I thought of them as free babysitters while I ran around and did whatever and cried myself to sleep by the time I missed with them my husband deported my family thinking that I'm I'm incapable of even living life I'm taking care of myself when I used to run everyone's life around me everything I did and all the effort I put in took everything out of me all to make sure the thank God and loved the happy wonderful home and like things looking and for 14 years your life was nothing but the opposite of that I failed I succeeded nowhere I lost everything my children's trust my children's home the glitter their eyes when they looked at me is now replaced with uneasy nervous until and  unsure heartbroken abandoned sad and suffering little eyes all the work and the nights that I stayed up in the sleep that I lost and the time away from my children that was taken from me everything I was did I don't got time in the end I failed and succeeded only in losing the trust respect 100% certainty in the hearts of my children. There is nothing or no one in this world that could take them away from me or keep me away from them replaced with a woman nothing of worthlessness no home no money empty promises Broken Heart finger in herself so strong that if it was something in this world that can be seen perfect pictures I'm suffering torture sinus and a life lived in hell and I brought it all on my own I thought I was a good mother and a good wife obviously my found there too it's almost any kind of good that I thought I was I would have been strong enough to fight this right now I'm so weak I'm so terrified to go to rehab as I promised because I'm terrified to go through that process and once again give babies the house and I'll be better in home soon go through all of that I'm going to get out accidentally betray them or deceive them just book it up again I can't I swear you will kill me to see the pain in their eyes if I was to disappointment again can't do that I'm scared practically paralyzed in fear to cause that's pain in them and see it again In u . I'm terrified I wouldnt be strong enough to make it all right again . I don't trust who is left as me it breaks me and shreds my soul that I ever caused this torture in my kids and after e everything the Pain I've left and cause u . The me before ever could have dreamed the suffering selfish unfair torture the person I was replaced causes every day I could never make this disappear or erease the pain that is the only thing left here or ever apologize enough for any of u to understand how truly and sincerely I regret every last moment of Pain I caused I brought and to this day remains when my only and ever dreamed was to show and prove and honestly be felt my love and pride and the magic I lived and felt and truly blessed was the reason I woke up and the miracle that I received my life my children my true and only best friend I always cherished was u I worked so hard every day so you'll would see feel live and breathe the magic and amazing miracle of life that I felt for All of u and how I felt like my life and the air I breathe sometimes had to be a dream cause the joy and love in my heart was so pure Innocent and perfect all from all of u. I let all of u down.amd.i feel it every day I suffer mostly alone tortured by only the worst of pain and force myself to endure the pain forever til it ends to full fill my deserved punishment for hurting and abandoning you and my precious perfect angels who never in a million years deserved one single second

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